Tuesday, October 28, 2008

How many blog entries do I write that I do not post?

Based on the quality of writing and incoherent spittle I manage to spray into Splenda Sucks, you would think that everything I write ends up here. The reality is different.

My computer has a number of half-baked things that I started writing. Most of them are rambling political jeremiads, which I sort of try to steer clear of on Splenda Sucks so I can continue to be likable to the five people who read anything I write. I write those unpublished things, blow them full of my anger and then I pop them, deciding that they are too angry and offensive and, ultimately, unpostworthy. Part of the joy of writing things to stick on the web is that I can focus on the mundane, because that’s what the web should be about.

However, I will veer away from the perfectly mundane to write something personal and political (although, a bad experience at Walgreens is personal and being pissed off about paying taxes is ultimately political). I will try to keep my entry as mundane as possible.

This is about my wedding. I am getting married.


Thank you for the warm congratulations.


No, I am not registered for gifts and don’t intend to be for any period of time due to the ongoing remodel of my house (another blog-unworthy rant parked on my hard drive for now).


No, I will not tell you the details, but let it suffice that I have informed you of this happy occasion.


Yes, I am keeping it a big secret. I am following in the footsteps of my friend Anne, a true West Michigan pioneer.

To prepare my family and friends for my marriage, I emailed a letter, which you can find here, about the value of a wedding and what might impact the timeline. And what we (“We?,” you ask? … I am marrying someone of course. I am not the fourth sister on this spectacular Saturday Night Light performance) intend to do to make this marriage a reality by the end of the month.

You will get an update soon. But in the meantime, please read this letter and forward it to everyone you know in California (and everyone you know everywhere, so they can forward it back to those of us in California), and donate money to block the efforts of people who want me to marry someone else.

There! So how innocuous, blogworthy, and gently apolitical was that?

Still don’t understand? Try this. Splenda really sucks and is made by hateful people. The people who make it are creepy religious lying fanatics who say it’s only natural because it’s made from the sugar God told them to make Splenda from. And the non-Splenda eaters, they say, are far from what God deemed. They eat amazing red velvet maltball seven-layer cakes with Meyer lemon Scharffenberger chocolate glaze and fresh churned lavender ice cream. Sure they get a little fat, but if they go to the gym a lot, they’ll be in good shape and happy.

Although sugar is perfectly natural , the evil Splendadoers have an intolerant agenda, but are spreading their lies to the people via chains of Rite-Aid and Wal-Mart, making innocent people believe that a Splenda banana moonpie sealed together in a sucralose glaze concoction is really what nature intended.

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