Sunday, October 26, 2008

Figuring out what to be for Halloween is difficult for a child

For an adult, it can be overwhelming.

Here’s my list of 18 possible Halloween costumes for those of you who can’t decide.
  1. Dress as Sarah Palin or Cindy McCain! Just beware that everyone else will be dressing as this barfball duo. So only do it if you have an amazing likeness or if you do it with a twist (Lesbian Cindy McCain or Sarah Palin with puncture holes (from all of the voodoo dolls people have been using to stick pins in here).
  2. Dress as a hobo! There’s nothing quite like that Tim Conway look, and you can wear whatever you’ve got around the house that’s dirty and ugly. The only problem, most people will say you’re dressed as a homeless person, which is way not politically correct. Hobos are more charming. Find a cool stick for the little fabric pouch you carry over your shoulder.
  3. Dress like Bree Vandekamp or Hans Solo or Knight Rider! These are the lame-o costumes that you buy at Target or the Halloween Superstore. They’re meant for a one-time wear and are made of 100% acetate. You’ll definitely amuse the few other dull people at the party – the ones dressed as hobos.
  4. Go as a concept! This is the ultimate creative straight person costume. Go as “blue” (paint yourself blue!) or as “incognito” (wrap yourself in a corset that says ‘cognito’) or ‘retired’ (wear a tire and act really tired). There are thousands of opportunities here.
  5. Go as a senior citizen from Iowa on an escorted tour! Obviously, I can write about this with authority because I’ve done it. Gray wig, ugly safari purse, and an identification button that ensured I wouldn’t get lost from the tour group. I also mispronounced all of the local attractions. The only problem… it’s really hard to get out of character and people get annoyed having grandma at the party.
  6. Go as a drag queen! When all else fails, dress as a flashy, raunchy gal. Although some people take this very seriously, concept drag queens are the best. For examples, I was once “Thundra,” a drag queen thunderstorm sporting poofy clouds, a jagged lightning skirt, and airplanes spinning around my head. Another year, I was “Fridgina,” a drag refrigerator superhero with a magnetic surface, basket full of condiments, and as a hair accessory, an egg tray. Beware of lame drag queens. Just dressing as a woman doesn’t mean people will be impressed with your effort. You must go all out.
  7. Go as a brand name item! Do you know how many people sew Crayola crayon costumes? Or dress as M&M’s? If you dress as a Fresca bottle, others will be impressed with your effort, if not your imagination. But my sister once dressed as a Glamour Shot: just tackied up her face and wore a picture frame in front of it. I like that.
  8. Dress as a studly sailor, luscious lifeguard, muscle mechanic, perverted priest, or foxy fireman! These have been done so many times, but if all else fails and you really just want to get laid at the Halloween party, you can get into character and take advantage of your new persona.
  9. Dress as someone who has a menial job! This may be about as insulting as a hobo. But it can be fun to dress as a cafeteria worker and hand out scoops of peas, or be a custodian and push around a bucket of blue water and position wet floor signs wherever you go. Just make sure the party isn’t at a custodian’s house.
  10. Make a homemade costume of a popular character! When I was younger, I dressed as R2-D2. The problem is that I wrapped foil around a huge box (not a round box, mind you) and walked around holding flashlights under my costume’s various holes, moving them in a strobe-like fashion. Everyone thought I was a washing machine. It was devastating. My advice: if you make it at home, be clever and do a really good job, or just be willing to have your costume interpreted as something else.
  11. Be a ghost! The lamest of all costumes is great for teenage boys without imagination. Just make sure you use a white sheet. I remember a friend of mine at Briar Vista Elementary School went as a ghost. The problem was that the only sheet his mother would let him cut holes in had yellow and purple flowers all over it (think 1970’s flower design!).
  12. Dress as your parents! No need to say much else.
  13. Dress as a dog that can’t lick itself! Okay, this is another I know about from experience. Wear a cute fuzzy dog costume, cover your gonads with a giant Band Aid, and wear one of those huge Elizabethan dog collars around your neck. You’ll get a lot of lovin’ in this costume.
  14. Dress as an advertisement! Surely you’ve seen’s horrible dancing advertisements on the Internet. Those obnoxious ads that who dancing skeletons or women with big breasts. Hopefully they’ve gone out of business by now. Anyway, this costumes easy because all you need to do is line dance around wearing a poster that says click here for lower mortgage rates. This is a costume I’ve always wanted to try.
  15. Be someone of another ethnicity! This is a lot of fun. Dress as a Mexican, with a big hat and carry tortillas or push a little fruit Popsicle cooler with a bell on it. You could also dress as a small pushy Asian woman carrying pink plastic shopping bags filled with bok choy and keep pushing your way in front of everyone you see. These costumes are best carried off by Republicans attending cloistered Halloween gatherings.
  16. Dress as a superhero! Everyone loves a superhero in sexy tights and a cape. Come up with your own superhero concept and knock yourself out.
  17. Go as an FLDS woman! Be one of many brides living in a bleak suburban Texas subdivision wearing your teal dress with Rapunzel hair wrapped above your head in Sarah Palin fashion. There’s a website called, but you have to know the secret FLDS password (my coworker tried typing Warren Jeffs as the passcode, but it doesn’t work) . I confess, a few of us were looking to make this costume a reality this Halloween, but have had a hard time finding the perfect dresses at local San Francisco thrift stores. Unfortunately, I won’t have time when I’m in Boston tonight to go to Brookline for Orthodox Jewish dresses, which might be a good substitute.
  18. Don’t dress up! Just sit there in your house and eat the candy you bought to give to the little brats who won’t really show up. You bought six bags of Snickers, Milky Ways, and Almond Joys but you know that only two kids are going to ring your bell. Besides, name one kid who likes Almond Joy?

If you take any of my advice, please email me a photo of yourself. Happy tricks or treats.

1 comment:

Frances said...

With lots of costumes and make-up available at a Halloween superstore, your kid would definitely find it hard to select from all those options.

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