Sunday, September 16, 2007

The FBI trend

As modeled in a Mississippi drug store in front of my camera phone. The $7.99 pricetag was too high to make this a souvenir.

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), as God meant it to be.

The FBI movement is kind of freaking me out.

Federal Bureau of Investigation. That's what FBI stands for and should stand for, at least in this country.

I learned not long ago that FBI stands for about two dozen other things. They all pretty much make sense to me because the three words that are abbreviated F-B-I have a first word that starts with an F, a second word that starts with a B and a third word that starts with an I. According to the Farlex dictionary, some of the other meanings of FBI are as follows:

  • Famous But Incompetent (apparently common slang used by militia groups)
  • Fiji Born Indian
  • Forbrukerinspektørene
  • Fubu Bodywear Incorporated
  • Funny Business Inc. (Danish, Copenhagen, Denmark)

Another meaning listed by Farlex is Firm Believer in Islam. That makes sense, too.

But what have craziest of Christians gone and done? They’ve hijacked FBI to stand for “Firm Believer in Jesus” or “Firm Believer in Christ.” Fair enough, but it just doesn’t make any sense. Hello? That would be the FBC or the FBJ. Using that rationale, I live in the USO: United States of America. Secure Storage and Retrieval of Information would be SSARO instead of SSRI. Associates of the American Foreign Service Worldwide would not be AAFSW, but would instead be AOTAF. NARAL would be NAARR. NASCAR would be NAFSCA. The Ohio Association of Secondary School Administrators would be OAOSS! What would this world be if we left off all of the final important words in their abbreviations?

Anyway, the stupid people who’ve Christianized FBI in the worst of ways have used it to market a host of products. It assigns that "dark suit FBI thing" to followers of Christ, converting a government bureau into some weird thing. Maybe the government really is hunting you down for a crime if you don't proclaim you're an FBI Jesus.

So join the trend. Buy some FBI's at your local Christian bookstore or website (or, in Mississippi, your local Fred's Drug Store). Some retailers include,, and all over eBay.

One version of this attractive shirt available at a Christian store near you

Need a hat to go with the shirt? The little 'I Heart Jesus' on the lower one reduces, for me, the fear of God that this hat puts in your heart.

This bumper sticker would like nice on your SUV and would scare away the abortion-seekers.


Anonymous said...

How about Fascist Bureau Of Intimidation?

You know -- COINTELPRO, the FBI's murders of Jean Seberg, Judi Bari, many Black Panthers, JFK, RFK, Martin Luther King.

The FBI and its doctrines are as far from Jesus as the Devil is.

Also, the NSA is doing some really really terrible things to us and covering them up under national security.

Google: Akwei VS NSA to learn more.

Anonymous said...

That's gotta be the most ignorant and asinine thing I've ever heard. Probably some psycho on drugs watching those X-Files too much.

Anonymous said...

It is really not that stupid.
And I really don't see why you guys are wasting your time criticizing it.
It doesn't really affect you so leave it alone!

Anonymous said...

i agree wholeheartedly with the previous commenter, and also with the guy who posted this blog.

The only FBI that should be used is the Federal Bureau of Investigation.

And it never cease to amaze me how some Americans can be so patriotic while there are others spouting anti federal government conspiracy theory all the time.

if you don't like the way things are run, make sure you vote for someone you believe in next time.

and if that guy/woman screws up your faith, don't rant about it to other uninterested people

Anonymous said...

The FBI pays agents to surf the Web looking for those who post negative comments about it; especially comments which are based on irrefutable proof of the FBI's criminality and Nazi roots.

In fact the entire Intelligence community was founded by Nazi sympathizers who smuggled Nazi war criminals into this country under a CIA covert program known as Project Paperclip. Which explains the Draconian ideology of agencies like the CIA, NSA and FBI, all of whom wipe their collective butts with the U.S. Bill of Rights, while saluting the Nazi Patriot Act every night.

No doubt they will be commenting following this post. At least they get paid for it.

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