Old

Now I’m old. I’ve had a few weeks to savor old age and it feels just about the same as it felt when I was almost old.

First, let me show you how old I’ve become!

I love this dress because it goes with just about everything!

Amazing, huh? It happens so quickly. One day I was a spry 39-year old guy. Suddenly, I’d become an old woman from Iowa on a tour in San Francisco. Not that there’s anything wrong with being from Iowa, touring San Francisco, or being old.

I’m trying to figure out strategies to combat oldness. I think I’ve done several anti-old things in the past few weeks:

• Being creepy. I went out on Halloween, swinging by a couple of parties, even if I was in an old crow’s getup. I couldn’t manage to get out of character and I think people started to believe I was actually their grandmother spying on them in their whorish costumes. (Oops, that sounded old)


• Getting on line. Some friends recently sucked me into joining Facebook. After getting pounced on by four people and having a crazy group identified with my name, but without me there, they managed to ‘guilt’ me into signing up. That seems like an anti-old thing to do.


• Eating lots of sugar. I’ve been totally addicted lately. Old people with dementia only eat sugary things, but again that’s really old people… with dementia. Young people eat sugary things, but they also eat Chinese food and burritos. That's how I eat.


• Going to Dollar Tree. San Francisco got its first nearby suburban Dollar Tree: that dumpy store full of crap from China that takes a buck for every purchase. Young people don’t have the money to buy their party plates at Neiman Marcus, so they go to Dollar Tree. I was probably the oldest person there.


• Seeing The Rainmaker. I went and saw a play on a Saturday night. Okay, so that’s totally “old people.” But, I waited in line to get free tickets and sat in the very front row. That’s how non-old people see their plays.


• Having a baby shower. Old people don’t have baby showers, unless they’re having them for their daughters and sons. We had a baby shower. That’s very thirty-something.


• Listening to my iPod Touch and emailing people from the bus. I’m so totally hip with my portable music and total connectivity. Old people are not. I’m even choosing ringtones with my ringtone maker. Whoa-oh.


• Having a messy house. The house has been a total wreck lately. Old people do not have messy houses. They have vases on nicely dusted doilies.

I’m sure I’ll slip up at some point and start actually behaving like an old person. That will be embarrassing and regretful, and I’m sure someone young, like my friend Jesse, will be the one to point out my oldness.

For now, I’m keeping good company.

My delightful lady friend Caroline joined me out on the town for Halloween. Her poor daughter died of feline leukemia last year.