Why I really hate Splenda

Fatty, fatty two by four. Trying to shovel those blubbery legs into your freedom fabric stretchy pants? Perhaps it's the teal pair? Or maybe the mustard ones? You know the pants I'm talking about. You saw them advertised in the coupon section of your local newspaper. Or maybe in the back of Parade Magazine, shortly after you finished marvelling at the incredible genius of Marilyn Vos Savant. Two pairs for $19.87 plus shipping.

Should you buy them? With that elastic waistband, you'd be able to eat more tapioca pudding at the Sizzler Salad Bar than ever before. More Jelly Bellies and chocolate covered pretzels -- you find them on sale -- when passing by the gourmet section at your local TJ Maxx.

You wear your polyester stretchy pants nearly every day. You are thrilled with the fit and comfort. Maybe you look a bit dumpy, but who cares? When you're on the couch all day, watching the Tyra Banks Show interrupted only by ads for Eastwood Insurance and Western Career College, life is about being happy and comfortable.

And then one day, you decide to diet. Dieting is easy. Olesta-soaked Pringles may cause anal leakage, but you can continue to chomp on those perfectly formed crisps. Sugar free Jello and Crystal Light fill you up and provide perfect substitutes for fruit and fruit juice. Just a few cups of Splenda in Aunt Minnie's recipe for meringues, and you've got your favorite low-calorie treat.

Rashes. That's what Splenda gave me. On my arms and on my legs. On my back. On my tummy. Even on the palms of my hands. What the hell is in this concoction? Why aren't they required to put warning labels all over this horrible stuff?

Chlorine. According to the official Splenda website (http://www.splenda.com), this nasty stuff is made by replacing oxygen with chlorine atoms. Then it made sense. See, I've always sneezed a bit when I get into a swimming pool or hot tub. I've always assumed I'm sensitive to chlorine.

But who would have thought that Splenda was just tiny yellow packets of sweet chlorine? And that people would be gullible enough to ingest this stuff.

I guess I was once.

Yeah, Splenda sucks.